All Hail the Freakishly Pale

Let’s get one thing straight - I am not a circus freak. “Come one! Come all! Step right up and see the world’s shortest man! The boy with two heads! The woman who cannot tan!”

I keep hearing that tanning is “out,” just like leg warmers and mullets. Yet, you wouldn’t know this to go shopping for makeup. Store makeup shelves are lined with dozens of foundations for women with a “healthy” glow. Just try and find a foundation that works on “alabaster” (that’s a code word for pasty white) skin.

The Non-Pigment Challenged have colors to choose from like “honey tan,” “sun-kissed” and “bronzed.” Genetic Sun Repellants like myself are stuck with alabaster, ivory or bisque. Well, that’s just great! So, I can wear Plaster of Paris, dead animal tusk or cream soup on my face. How appealing.

I tried (and the key word is tried) to have my makeup done for a friend's wedding recently, only to be told “we’re sorry, you’re just too pale. We don't have any makeup for you.” ?! Why don’t you just post a sign outside of the spa that says “no redheads or blondes”? Pardon me, natural blondes.

The lightest color the salon had was “medium tan.” I couldn’t use that after a month of applying bronzer. What gives? The makeup artist sympathetically told me, “we’re accustomed to people tanning in the summer.” Well pardon me for being half Transylvanian vampire! We only like to go out at night.

I thought nothing more of my wedding makeup misfortune until I tried to buy some cosmetics over the weekend. To escape the sweltering, dripping heat, I went to my favorite old-money mall for some sticker shock and “because-I’m-worth-it” makeup. I found exactly the shade I was looking for (bonus!) in an oil-free, non-comodegenic, spf-15, “guaranteed-to-make-you-look-like-Nicole-Kidman” foundation. I put the sample down and reached simultaneously for my almost maxed credit card and the Magic Miracle in a bottle. Too bad there wasn’t any. Nor was there even a place on the shelf for it. So, I asked the hovering, overly chipper sales clerk about it. What do I know? Maybe they keep it in the Albino Only* Drawer.

Oh, the sales clerk informs me sadly, they don’t actually carry that shade in stock. They apparently just keep it around to torment those of us who would actually buy it. 

I think I’ve come to the crux of the issue. I’m chasing the Holy Grail of the makeup world: light, non-chalky, spf-15+ foundation. It’s much like the other Holy Grail I seek: the comfortable, costs-less-than-a-car-payment, underwire bra. Yeah, I’ll be finding that soon . . . right next to my Creamy Oatmeal Sun Missed foundation.

             

*No albinos were deliberately offended in the writing of this blog.