Hello, Kitty Cat!

Sometimes, something looks good on paper but once you see it face-to-face, well, it's not so good. Working in radio, for example, can really kill your celebrity illusions. I spent a summer interning at a radio station and learned that most celebrities look better in their photos (thank you, Photoshop) and quite a few of them can really be self-centered jerks.

I met a man online that sounded good in print. College professor that was just a few years older than me, never married and living reasonably close. Not bad looking. Nice friendly smile. Needed a haircut (comb-over ponytails were NEVER in style, were they?). But that's like looking at a house for sale that needs a new coat of paint. Great bones, just needs a little superficial spruce-up. And, this is my year of personality over pretty.

I just wanted to do coffee. Less intimate, easier to escape from. But, he insisted on dinner. Fine. Maybe he'll be witty and brilliant and leave me wanting more. Yeah, and maybe I'll wake up 25 lbs. thinner because I was swimming in my dream last night. But hope, like unexpected bills and cellulite, springs eternal.

He looked just like his picture. Bonus! A surprising number of men post pictures from when they were 10 years younger or 20 pounds thinner. And, don't even get me started about the guy with the seriously broken teeth.

He was not witty and brilliant. At least, the first 20 minutes of nonstop nattering from him were not. He talked, without pause, from the time we sat down until our food arrived. I'm not even sure he paused for breath.

It's possible that after his first soliliquy, he may have hit his groove and turned into a brilliant orator. Hell, he could have recited Martin Luther King's rousing “I have a dream” speech. I wouldn't know. I started mentally reviewing my packing list after he passed minute 20 of non-stop talking. (I was leaving for a two-week vacation in mere days).

I initially tuned out during his description of how Second Life works and why it's a good teaching aid. Before I nodded off, however, I did catch his talk on why being a Dungeon Master in Dungeons & Dragons – which he still played at age 40 – made him a better teacher. I was fascinated to see what the correlation was. Regrettably, it wasn't fascinating.

I started listening again after our food came. The sustenance revived me just enough to be tepidly interested in what he was saying. And, may I say, thank you Jesus. I would have hated to miss this little golden nugget of celibacy.

“So, in order to learn how to use web design software, I designed a web page for my cats.”

“Oh, that sounds like a fun way to learn how to use the software,” I said. I mean, if I had to design a web page for a class, I could see doing a humorous one for my ferret entitled Frenchie, the Flying Circus Freaqué and using a picture of him mid-air leaping for a houseplant.

“Would you like the web address? You can sign their guest book.”

Pregnant pause. Was he joking? He's joking, right? He cannot seriously have a web page that he maintains dedicated to his cats, can he? So, I asked him about it. Lo' and behold. He does indeed maintain a web page dedicated to his feline friends. AND he updates it regularly. Oooh, would you look at the time? I'm quite sure I have to get up early tomorrow to dust my books. Needless to say, I didn't call him after I returned from my vacation. Seems I lost his number in the swimming hole.

Hmmm. Perhaps I should go back to treading water in the shallow end of the dating pool. At least it had better sight-seeing possibilities.

[Author's aside – WHY, oh WHY didn't I get the web address for his kitty cat website? There could have been comedy GOLD in them thar web pages.]