Why I'm not a Chemist

I would just like you to know that I often write about the stupid things I do just for the amusement of my friends. So, please to enjoy.

Those of you who dye your hair understand the chemistry involved, I'm sure. This is why you don't end up with pink hair or Light Golden Brown speckled walls.

I have been fortunate that I do not have to dye my hair. My hair's stayed a relatively nice shade of blonde as I've gotten older and hasn't started graying yet. (But, trust me, the first gray hair I get will be yanked out of my head. And, any signs of going gray will be covered with dye.)

I've had my hair highlighted before when (I thought) it was getting too dark and lowlighted after one Pennsic when it was particularly light blond from too much sun. I've put color washes in my hair for fun. However, I really don't use much in the way of hair dye.

I guess I just don't get the chemistry involved. Either that, or I'm just an idiot. You decide.

While I don't dye my hair, I DO dye my eyebrows. Until I met my dance troupe member, I didn't even know of the joy that was eyebrow dyeing. I just went around with my pathetic platinum-blonde eyebrows looking like the victim of a barbecue flare-up accident. You couldn't even tell I had eyebrows unless you were about 6 inches away from me. And, really, people look pretty stupid without eyebrows. I tried to draw them in. But, as near as I can tell, makeup companies hate natural blondes. They make this hideous color of eyebrow pencil I'll call “strawberry taupe,” which is just not pretty.

I now go to Angela to have my eyebrows tinted. Angela is a genius. But wait! Where is the hideous dyeing story that I promised you?

I just paid for a very expensive car repair (and still had another one looming). In an effort to be fiscally responsible, I decided to dye my own eyebrows. Another troupe member did a fabulous job of dyeing her own eyebrows. So, I could to it too, right?

Yeah, we all know where this is going, don't we?

I buy a bottle of Light Golden Brown crème dye for the bargain price of $3.67. I mix up the color and gentle daub it on my eyebrows and lie down to let it set. Twenty minutes later, it's time to remove the dye. I'm disappointed to see that the color barely took. I carefully daub it back on and lay back down for another 10 minutes. It's slightly darker now, but still not the desired color. And, it's late, too. Why did I decide to START this process after 10 on Sunday night?

I guess I'll just keep the dye until tomorrow and try again. (Do you hear what I hear? “Danger Will Robinson. Danger!”)

I go into my bathroom Monday night to set into motion The Great Dye Fiasco. The bottle of dye is now lying on its side even though I left it upright. It seems that it can no longer stand because it's bulging and rounded. Hmmm. Perhaps I shouldn't have left it tightly capped? If only I had paid attention in chemistry class.

Well, clearly I should open it to relieve the pressure in the bottle.

Why, oh, WHY didn't I pay attention in chemistry class? Oh, that's right, because it started at 7:15 in the morning and my coffee hadn't kicked in yet. I usually napped through it. Well, my morning naps were now biting me in the ass.

Did you know that a tiny little 4” high bottle can shoot Light Golden Brown dye 6 feet across the room and hit every wall in the room plus the bathtub, toilet, counter, sink, mirror and light switch? Only the ceiling was left unscathed.

If only someone was around to enjoy my shenanigans and point and laugh at me. I cleaned it up, but my walls are now dyed, too. Thankfully, the bathroom is prepped for painting but hasn't been repainted yet due to my old friend sloth visiting.