Scenes from a Frog Pond

As I dip my sparkly-purple-polished big toe back into the dating cesspool, I am reminded why I don't date more often. It really can be more painful than a cavity filling at the dentist's office without anesthesia. For those of you who are attached, let these anecdotes be a gentle reminder of why you should tell your significant other every day that you love them … if for no other reason than you don't have to date anymore. Just a few pieces of advice, gentlemen, to make your date go more smoothly. 1. Chew with your mouth closed. And that's not just dating advice. EVERY ONE OF YOU should chew with your mouth CLOSED. You're not masticating the food for your baby bird. I cannot pay attention to a single word you're saying when you attempt to say it with a large wad of half-chewed food in your mouth. 2. Yes, if you tell me that you find me hot and would like to get to know me “in a biblical way” but can't pay for my $4 dinner (it's Mexican – it's cheap!) until you “know this relationship is going somewhere,” I will assume that you won't pay until I put out. And did you seriously just imply that I was a “$4 holla”? Wow. I'm not even a $400 holla. 3. It's ill-advised to show me the stuffed animal you carry around in your car as your mascot. I will judge you as less manly … and write about it in my Flypaper for Freaks blog. 4. If you “pride yourself in being a non-judgmental person and keeping your opinions to yourself,” you probably shouldn't then pontificate on why you hate Facebook, tweeting, blogging and social media in general. But, on the positive side, there's almost ZERO chance he'll ever read this! 5. The topic of every kind of oatmeal you've ever tried is, regrettably, not fascinating. Maybe save that gem for the 857th date. 6. Stereotyping is probably not the best idea when you don't know that much about your date. For example, I'd suggest not making nationality generalizations particularly if you don't know what nationality your date is. If you throw me a  softball like, “Well, you KNOW how Italians are …” I'll lead you down the path  clearly marked “astray.” I'm truly curious to hear what you think of the Italian  side of my family. There are quite a few blonde-haired, blue-eyed Italians you'll soon be surprised to learn. 7. You're not psychic. No matter how long you stare into my eyes or how hard you think about a number, you cannot "transmit" your birthday or age to me. And, no, I will not try to transmit mine back.